Welcome to The Content Report, a newsletter by Vince Mancini. I’ve been writing about movies, culture, and food since the late aughts. Now I’m delivering it straight to you, with none of the autoplay videos, takeover ads, or chumboxes of the ad-ruined internet. Support my work and help me bring back the cool internet by subscribing, sharing, commenting, and keeping it real.

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For strange headline enthusiasts such as myself, last week gave us a real doozy in “World’s oldest tortoise caught in viral crypto death scam.”

The story in question concerned Jonathan, a famous tortoise believed to be 194 years old, whose death was announced by his veterinarian on the website formerly known as Twitter last week. Only, the…